Fade Into You

For a long time now, I have been writing this particular post linked to the song Fade Into You. Partly because it relates to a frequent issue that I come up against, so like a vicious circle it kept me from finishing it - but also because this song happens to be one of my all time favourites and I didn’t want to waste it on something rubbish (back to the problem that keeps recurring).

As life goes on and as humans develop, there are so many fundamental emotions, feelings and elements we need to deal with. No one really teaches us anything about them. They are mainly shaped by experience. Or surroundings. Or even the outcomes of an event. Each human reacts, learns, adapts or gets shaped differently to them. No one ever teaches us how to deal with them - or how we should react to them - or even gives too much of an understanding as to them. It is up to the individual to manage themselves and how they move forward accordingly.

For this particular piece, that feeling / emotion / element is confidence. And the role confidence - or a lack of it plays in my life. In my experiences. How time and time again the tap on the shoulder comes to remind me of my failings and to keep me in check and hold me back. But also, time and time again I have to find a way to overcome it - to find the energy to ignore it or defeat it temporarily in order to function and achieve what is needed to be done in the day.

Most people might assume that as a business owner, a dad of 2, a coach of a football team and chairman of a medium sized football club that confidence would be in abundance. That it would be there in spades. Sometimes it is. On rare occasions it does exist. But 90% of the time there has been multiple episodes of self doubt and lots of internal cajoling to get over the line and put myself in the environment that I need to be in at the time. Particularly when it comes to being in front of others - be that a board meeting, a sales pitch, a committee meeting - or even coaching the football team at a training session - the degrees of lack of confidence can be pretty startling. Fortunately, in time, I have found ways to push forward and ensure the lack of confidence does not hold me back. Some days are much harder than others and the fading into myself takes over - making the fight to perform much harder - but it never really wins - it can’t - there is too much at stake to let it rule over me.

I have to find a way, during those difficult moments, to rediscover myself - and gain enough strength to be where I need to be. There are multiple tools I use. Music. Going for a walk. Chatting to people close to me. Reading. They all help and I am lucky to have found those tools to help pull me forward. Confidence is a fragile thing - for some people at least - and the modern world seems obsessed with destroying it within others - so it is ever more important to find a way to boost it, protect it and help those around us when they need it.

Fade Into You - is one of those songs that runs deep with me. I hate it when I write that. Well I hate how I feel when I write that. It makes me feel like such a pretentious idiot - but music has always triggered my emotions - which obviously it does with most people.

There is so much about Fade Into You that pricks my emotions. I find Hope Sandoval to be one of the most incredible singers around. Her voice is stunning but the emotion she pushes out when she is singing fascinates me. In this song, she comes across so deep in thought, so melancholy, and incredibly lost in feeling - it adds so much to the overall song. Even the video is cut to perfection - it matches the tone and the message in every single way.

Then there are the lyrics. Again, as I have said before, in my opinion one of the best aspects of music is the personal interpretations you can apply. This is certainly the case for this song.

“I wanna hold the hand inside you
I wanna take the breath that's true
I look to you, and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth

You live your life, you go in shadows
You'll come apart and you'll go blind
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what's not there

Fade into you
Strange, you never knew
Fade into you
I think it's strange you never knew”

These are stunning words. But where it fits for me - and where is resonates when the low confidence days are impacting are these words:
I look to you, and I see nothing

I look to you to see the truth

You live your life, you go in shadows

You'll come apart and you'll go blind

Fade into you

There are so many days when I look at myself and see nothing. Where I am desperate to rediscover myself and see the true version of me. Where I operate in the shadows because I am not comfortable or confident enough to fully exist. I feel like I am coming apart. And I fade into myself.

Now. I am fully aware this sounds ridiculous. Cheesy. Whatever. You don’t have to read this. And you are allowed to have your own interpretations of words - either from a piece of writing or from a song. These are mine - that is all they are.

They key with all of this - is to find a way forward. I am one of the lucky ones. I find a way more often than not. The sad truth is that a lot of people do not. They don’t know where to turn and they don’t know how to move forward. It is hard to get help with something like confidence. The hard reality is that it is something that needs to be realised and believed by the individual. Obviously people and events around them can help - but only when it is truly believed internally will it be conquered.

Finding ways forward can be tough. People. Music. Exercise. Reading. All help for me - but some of those take confidence to do them - so that in itself can be a challenge. Maybe knowing other people struggle with it can also be an aid in some way. To know that it is okay - and to know people find a way forward. That was always the aim for this blog - to help myself - but also to maybe resonate with others and let them know it is ok and that plenty of people feel the same way.

Who knows - but at the very least maybe a beautiful song has been thrown your way that you didn’t know about - or have not heard for a while - so you can take a listen.

Thanks for reading

JT