Les Nuits

Well. This has been a long time. A seriously long time. Not sure why really. It has been in my head for ages that I need to get back to this - something that helps me when I am caught up in my brain yet for the best part of 2 years, I have talked myself out of continuing this - telling myself that it is anything from a waste of time to unhelpful or simply just rubbish.

The truth is - none of those thoughts should matter - it is a helpful process for me - it helps me unload, it creates positives for me - the challenge is that the noise sometimes becomes so loud that it is easier to be a little less brave and just retract and not continue.

I am hoping that this will be a kick start for me and get me back on track to do this regularly and continue to do so. Just once a month - that would be enough - and it would be a big help.

The last 2 years have been pretty chaotic. So much has happened - most of it exciting - some of it challenging. I have said before that words like challenging can often be misconstrued as negative. If something is challenging - it does not mean it is bad. It makes it worth doing because it clearly means something to you. It is a feeling / emotion that should be taken on and confronted - to make the most of the opportunity it brings. Obviously, that is easier said than done - even if you are someone with the strongest mindset and self belief. When you aren’t blessed with those traits it can become a tough mountain to climb. I guess that is where I have been for the last couple of years - certainly when it comes to writing - but also in some other areas of life.

Finding an escape when I am in such a headspace is super important to me. Reading certainly helps - some of the above books have featured at different times of my life. Reading helps me switch off, disappear somewhere else and take a breather for a while. But music is always the one I go back to. Even that, over the last 12 months or so, is something I have steered away from. The way my brain works it almost tells me not to be settled when I feel happiness, or I am relaxed - they are feelings I am almost reluctant to allow in - my head just wants to hang on tightly and not drop down a gear to the point where I almost feel scared to have those feelings for fear that something negative will happen.

It is at points like that (well really should be before then too), where the escapes should play a key role. To at least stop you thinking and take you away from the moments. This is what music provides for me - from relaxation through to reliving memories (both good and bad). When I ventured back in it was to a couple of albums in particular that brought back some of those feelings of relaxation and helped me start to move closer to switch off mode. A genre that I hadn’t listened to for a while but has always been a favourite. Back in my repping days of the late 90’s early 2000’s this would have been known as Electro or Chillout. There’s a few artists I like that produced amazing albums or songs in that genre (Air, Zero 7, Morcheeba and William Orbit to name a few) but one of my all time favourites has always been Nightmares On Wax in particular an album called Carboot Soul.

I find this album super relaxing - so easy to switch off to and stare out the window on a train journey or enjoying some down time at home. Down time that is harder to find. In particular the song Les Nuits is one of my absolute all time favourites - I have listened to it 10 times a day for the last 2 weeks to help reassociate with that feeling of down time.

The last 2 years has seen me do a couple of things I never thought I would do. Becoming a business owner. Never really crossed my mind. Didn’t think for one second that I would have the skills or the temperament. Still don’t think I do at least 90% of the time! Touch wood it has gone well so far, surrounded by a great business partner, some amazing mentors, a good team around us - and some brilliant clients. As well as some people in my personal life who I could never be without. It has been an incredible journey so far - one that has been accompanied by all the usual self doubts (you aren’t good enough, you don’t know what you are doing, you are going to fail), overthinking everything and some seriously bad habits (checking emails or bank accounts in the middle of the night pretty much since day one). Never for a second did I think I could do this. Let alone with all that crap in my head. Yet somehow - here I am - doing it. Even if my head tells me it is all luck - it is being done and it is moving forward.

Secondly, I became chairman of a football club. I have always wanted to be involved in football so I started coaching my boys team (he is unreal by the way - one hell of a goalkeeper and I couldn’t be prouder of him or of my amazing daughter) - and this quickly led to becoming more involved - to the point where I am now Chair of the club. I bloody love it - but it is SO hard. So many battles to win. So much red tape. A first team flying way higher than our facilities and budget would suggest, 19 youth teams - with over 300 kids registered. A town that needs us. With very little else for people to do. That needs a club. Needs an outlet. Needs support. It has challenged me in ways that hit all the emotions. It is exhausting. It is unrewarding. But it is important - and it is for the community and it needs to happen. Never would I have thought I would be involved. People looking at me to lead and make decisions. I sit there and do it but all the time the noise is telling me they are looking at me like I have no idea what I am doing. That I am a fraud in that position. That I do not belong there. But i keep putting myself there because I want it to work. I want the town to have something to be proud of. I want the kids to have somewhere to be part of. So i battle though my noise and do it - however much that hurts inside - however much of a battle with myself I have to win.

And again. This is where the escape is important. To reset. To stop. To quell the noise. Because that is all it is. It is noise. That self doubt brings. And even if it plays a dominate role from time to time it has to be taken on - no matter how long that takes or the amount of effort it burns - it is worth it and always will be.

The hope - and the aim - is that over time, less and less effort will be needed to function at everything. The functioning isn’t the issue - that is happening - it is the effort it takes to get there. Sometimes the impact of self doubt or confidence crises are so strong it takes a significant amount of energy to even wake up and start the day. People don’t see that. They don’t see what happens with individuals. They just the see person in the moment - they don’t know what it has taken for them to get there or what it takes to keep them there. Not saying they should see that at all - but the realisation of what it takes for me sometimes, does make me take a step back and look at the human more - and not just what they might be doing at the time.

I guess, in all of this, there will be a lot of people who can relate to the above. That helps in a way. It always helps to know that other people see and feel similar traits. For me, I take pride in the fact that I keep going and I perform. I show up for the situations around me. It just might take me a lot of mental effort to be there - but that is okay - because as I said before - it is a challenge - but a challenge is a good thing because it is all worth doing.

I am glad I came back to do this. I hope it is a decent read - and I hope on some level it might help people along the way.

JT