Teenage Dirtbag

Again - this has been way too long. Been trapped in a cycle of doubt regarding this. Started many a post, deleted it, given up and convinced myself to stop. The doubts never cease, but I owe it to myself to continue and as I have said before, it is something I want my kids to see when they are a little older to give them reassurance and support that as humans, we will always doubt ourselves, but we can push on most of the time and drive ourselves forward. Even if that is incredibly hard sometimes. I know I am one of the lucky ones - sometimes people fall into deeper holes and again as humans we must find a way to comfort them as best we can when that happens.

I am also slightly surprised that I haven’t featured this song already. The ultimate song about acceptance! Craving it and not getting it. We can skip the bit about unrequited love because my love for Sheffield Wednesday is never ending but let’s face it - is most definitely unrequited!

Acceptance and not feeling it is such a challenge for those that feel it. It can start early. School is a tough place for a lot of us. Finding your group and your place is so hard. At a time of your life when you crave to be liked. When you don’t have the experiences or emotional skills to navigate the situations. So hard.

However, for some people, such as myself, acceptance is a fight that has been ongoing for decades now. From school, through to football teams I played in, family to wider social circles and from my very first job through to the one I have now. Acceptance has always dogged me. I have endlessly doubted that I have been accepted, that I deserve to be - or that I bring enough to the table to sit there. Even now, I will avoid scenarios that are simple and stress free because I don’t feel comfortable or that I bring value enough to be there. It is almost a feeling of invisibility - that unless I do something special I will remain unseen and don’t deserve to be around whichever group of people I am with.

This occurs in so many scenarios. I will point out, as I have done before, that ultimately this does not stop me from being where I need to be and performing the way I need to, it just means I need mechanisms in place to get me there - to break the anxiety of acceptance - once the first 10 minutes are out the way I will settle and start to be myself. This might mean I have to do a few laps around the block to build up the courage to enter the room but that is okay - it works for me and I am always early so I have the time. I often listen to Teenage Dirtbag on these laps to remind me of the happy ending - to give me reassurance that I will be ok - after all Noelle gave our hero tickets to Iron Maiden so if I walk in to the room and get through the first ten minutes my reward will be to rediscover myself and I will defeat anxiety acceptance again.

So many times, in so many circumstances, I have wandered around plucking up the courage to be where I need to be telling myself “I am just a teenage dirtbag baby” getting to the point where ""I feel like mold” and then hitting the best bit at the end where my Iron Maiden tickets are the clear, bold, fresh thoughts that I need to get into the room.

The range of situations where this issue occurs for me is crazy. For the last 2 years I have been chairman of my local football club. Something I really enjoy doing. It is a passion. And it is a huge challenge. I get to work with some amazing volunteers who make the club what it is. We have a 1st team and 24 youth teams and we keep growing and growing. It is something amazing and positive to be part of. Each month, we as a committee meet and run through an agenda that I create in a meeting that I chair. Fairly straightforward. Nah. Not for me the other month. I get there before the start of the meeting and completely bottle it. I have convinced myself that no-one thinks I am capable of doing what I do. That everyone thinks I am garbage and I shouldn’t be in that room without them. At this stage I am panicking. What do I do. I need to be there - but at the same time I cannot. Walking in that building just doesn’t seem like something I can do. I don’t feel like people accept me. They do. It is just my brain telling me I am not worth accepting. So I walk. I walk around the far pitches where no one can see me. I buy myself time. I listen to music. I think about tangibles. What has anyone said that is negative. Why am I thinking it. I eventually pull myself out the fog and go in. It was a battle. But it was won and it was all okay.

I have the same issues now and again with the team I help coach. Constantly second guessing everything. Do the kids like me? Do they want me to coach them? Do the parents think I do ok? My default is to think all opinions of me are negative - and that everything I do is poor - so again that can be a battle sometimes.

It is the same with work. It always has been. That is on me. I have worked and do work with some amazing people. People who have managed me and developed me. People who have been in my teams. Colleagues. Clients at huge organizations. I have been so lucky to experience so many individuals who have had strong impacts on me and that continues to this day. My business partner and the team we have grown are great examples of people who have had such a positive impact on me. However - that doesn’t mean those feelings aren’t there. There have been many times over the last 6 months where I can’t walk into the office so I have done a few laps before plucking up the courage to go in. Gone through the same processes. Listened to some music. Asked myself why. Seen the light. Got my tickets to Iron Maiden and gone and joined the rest of the team.

I have sat in board meetings, huge client pitches and business planning sessions and consistently felt out of place - like I am not part of this - these people are all better than me and won’t want to listen to me - and won’t accept me in this environment. And you know what. That has NEVER happened. EVER. Because it doesn’t. It is just the brain and emotions making me feel things that challenge me. And ultimately they cannot be allowed to win. They are part of me - I accept that - I don’t see the doubt ever going away - but I won’t let it win. I refuse to let it hold me back. I will continue to be present and will always represent myself in the best way and help lead others where I can.

So dirtbags, if you are reading this, you are accepted. 100%. At times, we will all probably question if we belong - and how we fit. But you do. And you will be okay. Ask yourself the right questions. Deal with the facts. Listen to something that inspires and lifts you. Find your tickets to Iron Maiden and be YOU Always be you.

JT